Strange questions from an Idle mind.

After days of silence, I have decided to make this a double-post day. Well, it’s not because I’m all words about what happened at work, not to mention the politics at work and not even to talk about the Bloggers’ meet, which by the way was the awesomest Bloggers’ meet I’ve even been to.

At work, I actually made a list of things I don’t understand. In about three minutes, I came up with sixteen things – phrases, words, idioms, terms and ideas – that I really don’t understand. Let’s take a look at them, shall we?

1) “Curiosity kills the cat” – Okay, a cliched term, meant for people who can’t mind their own business.

My first question – What cat?

My second question – Would this account to the low tiger population?

My third question – Why don’t the “actual cats” die?

Wait, I think I have an answer to that… Because they have nine lives…

2) “A stitch in time, saves nine” – Another cliched term, used for, er, well, time management?

My only question – Nine of what?

3) “Quite a few” – The only problem that I have with this is if “few” means little, how come “quite a few” means more/lot? Very weird.

4) “Go to Hell” – People use this when they’re annoyed. What the fuck? Do these people know how hard it is to get there? Going to heaven seems much easier, if you ask me. You lead a sterile life, full of nothing, and by default you’re in heaven. But to go to hell…? Just imagine, people! The amount of people you’d have to kill, sodomise and loot. The amount of evil you’ll have to do, just to get a one-way ticket to hell. Yes, “one way ticket to hell” is another phrase I haven’t been able to understand. Hell, I’ll stop.

5) Innocent Civilians – When there’s a bomb blast somewhere, you hear the newsreader say “50 innocent civilians were killed when a….”

To quote George Carlin, “You were born in this world, you’re guilty, end of case, fuck you, next case. Next fucking case. You’re birth certificate is proof of guilt.”

6) “Something is (always) better than nothing”: Just a way to bullshit ourselves.

7) Politically Correct language: Just a way to bullshit everyone else.

The word “Analogy”: You know, break it up into two and you get “anal” and “ogy”. But combine them and you get a completely different word.

Quote me sometime: Analogy is not the study of the anus.

9) Neutral Accent: Well, if it’s neutral, how is it an accent? I do not understand that part of it.

10) Golf: What the fuck is up with the world, going ga-ga over a game like that? Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t understand the game?

Quoting George Carlin again, “Some guy with a crooked stick, hits a ball… and… walks after it…. and…hits it again! I’d say pick it up asshole, you’re lucky you found the fucking thing! Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you’re a winner! You’re a winner!….. Have you watched golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck!”

Yep, I agree with Carlin there.

11) Edible Underwear: What?! Are people actually running out of things to eat? The last thing I’d eat is someone’s underwear. No, actually the last thing I’d eat is a used condom. Let’s not go there. But well, imagine this. A news report in, say, The Hindu:

“…. The government has issued a public interest announcement in view of the recent epidemic. It has asked all the residents to dip their underwear in boiling water for at least five minutes before eating them…”

That is when I decide to “put myself to sleep.”

Canned food will definitely have a new meaning.

12) A fourth umpire in cricket: Absolutely useless. All he does is run around the field when the ball needs to be changed.

Balls to him.

13) Patriotism: A combination of No.6 and No. 7.

14) Vampires: Dead people who drink others’ blood to stay dead. Weird.

15) Journalistic ethics: A forgotten dream.

16) “Rub it in”: This is a very common term used when someone’s frustrated and sees that there’s more frustration coming his/her way. “Don’t rub it in now”, they’ll say.

First of all, how do you rub it in?

Isn’t it more a to-and-fro process? In all my experience of rubbing, and until more recently, more vigorous rubbing, I’ve never been able to rub anything in! What the fuck?

Oh well, that’s my unholy sixteen, I guess. More on it’s way, I’m sure.

Till then,

Amen.

Quote Me Sometime.

If you thought work pissed you off, wait till more work comes in.

Amen.

PS: Stomachs can stay upset for more than a few hours. The trouble is, you can’t actually “kiss and make up”

PS: Amen.

Today…

Today, I wanted to see how it felt to be hated.

Today, I wanted to see how it felt to be ignored.

Today, I wanted to see how it felt to be belittled.

Today, I wanted to see how it felt to be small.

Today, I wanted to see how it felt to be insecure.

Today, I wanted to see how it felt to be insignificant.

Today, I wanted to see how it felt to be alive.

Amen.

Dear Succubus…

Thanks for the brilliant plan … you are the best cure for homesickness.

Love,
The Wabbster.

Amen.

Corn.

So, I didn’t want to go to work today. Why? Because I was tired. Twenty two hours of being in a bus, sitting next to the loudest snorer in the world (I’ve been beaten, yes), three screwed up movies during the ride (Aashiq Banaya Aapne, Double-Cross and Munna Bhai) and a very upset stomach does make me a tad tired, if not anything else.

I wouldn’t do anything at home. I wouldn’t do anything at work. But, I’d get paid if I went to work (all my “leaves are over” thanks to the Mumbai trip). So, I went to work. Which is where the whole thing started.

We had a session on “Analytical Thinking”. Kind of paradoxical with the nature of work we’re dealing with. Anyways, as a part of ‘games’, we were asked to name products that can be made out of corn, but they shouldn’t be available anywhere. We were divided into teams of eight…

The first thing I thought of was Corn Condoms. I even had a name for it, “Corndoms”. And a tag-line: “Naturally dotted for natural pleasures”.

The team-members laughed. They said (I think now, in unision), “No.”

Pfft. Fine, assholes. Go with your corn buttons, corn wallets and corn keyboards. Dude, who’d use a corn keyboard?

Amen.

Happy buddey to me….

I’m beginning to get way too good at this. *smirk*

Amen.

The need to exist.

Okay.

Depression. Two weeks. Glimmer of hope. Back to depression. And now, I’m possibly the happiest person awake.

I’m in Mumbai. Having a good time is probably overstating it, but I’m not complaining.

Next post: The Anniyan Review.

Off to sleep now. Too tired to crib about the fuckin’ movie.

Amen.