Boredom, sleeplessness and some bullshit.

There are certain things I like about myself. One of them is the fact that I can be completely oblivious to what time of the day it is. Well, sometimes, I’m proud of that. Except during when I’m playing Need for Speed all day long and suddenly realise I should be at work in the next ten minutes. That is when I hate the makers of the game who’ve cursed me with such awesome entertainment.

Let me get a bit philosophical here. Again, it is something I’m proud of but at the same time, too much philosophy can also be too much shit. Well, the lines are blurred. My eyesight’s good though, I see it when I’m talking shit.

Anyways, moving on… Not that I want to be caught plagiarising Paulo Coelho here, but I do think the whole universe is conspiring. Against me, for me or for no reason whatsoever, I wouldn’t know, but it is a conspiring universe. Like this lady at work, who couldn’t wait for a colleague of mine (of whom I’m not a big fan either) so that she can have ‘full control’ of ‘the team’. It’s not just coincidence that I’m a part of ‘the team’ but also a big pain in the donkey.

There are people who in some way want to get something out of everything. Well, most people are like that, I guess. Some want entertainment, some, a better position in society and some of them, well, money. And if something does not give them anything, they tend to be disinterested.

Like my lack of faith in God (I capitalise the ‘G’, just out of practise, just in case you want to play the you-capitalised-G-so-you-must-believe-in-god card). When I was a kid, physically (my mental age’s a secret), I prayed – for everything.

“God please let there be rain so that I won’t have school.”

“God let me fall sick so that I won’t have to go to school.”

“God please do my homework. I promise I’ll break a coconut for you.”

Bribery – oh well!

“God please let me do well in my exams.”

“God that paper didn’t go well, please let me pass.”

The list is endless. Sometimes when there was a blackout (for which Bangalore was famous for about 10-11 years ago), I’d pray so that the power would come back.

Stupid, nonsensical requests from a kid to an almighty, omnipotent being. Well, I didn’t give a shit. I wanted things done.

And when things didn’t get done, I would sulk and wonder if God really existed. My interest waned when my prayers weren’t answered and when everything seemed more coincidental than it being God’s doing.

So, I “quit” being a Hindu and decided I’d be an atheist. Atheism didn’t get me anywhere either. It didn’t give me anything, anything other than this self imposed image of being a rebel or being unique.

Being unique does get you noticed. But then, sometimes, you get noticed for the wrong reasons. Like when I started to smoke when I was 14, I thought it was cool to be the only kid in the class who smokes. Well, then, my parents found out and so did my teachers at school. What followed was a couple of years filled with counselling, lectures from dad, mom and even the guy who sold me smokes, not to mention a letter of advice from a grand-uncle.

It’s been over eight years now and I haven’t quit smoking yet. Do my parents still give me their lectures? No. Why? Simply because they haven’t gotten the desired result that being me quitting cigarettes. They’re now disinterested when someone says they saw me smoking at a mall or something.

Smoking is not something I’m proud of, but I think it is probably the only thing that keeps me sane. And it’s not because I feel cool or anything. Trust me, I feel less than half as cool as most non-smokers do, I got all the cancers heading my way, I know that. But it’s my decision and I’ve made it myself. It is the ONLY decision that I’ve made on my own and without peer pressure affecting my judgement. So, I will quit on my terms. Maybe when a cigarette stops giving me the kick I want it to give me. I might be… disinterested.

I once remarked that we, human beings, hate to be happy. We get bored of happiness. I think we just hate routine. We don’t like to be confined in any way. And when you’re happy all the time, I think you’re confined to just one set of feelings so that you don’t get to explore the “sea of emotions” you’re capable of.

Well, there are things and there are things. But I think this is something that’s basic and common in all of us.

This quest for happiness/unhappiness, does lead us to some interesting phases in life and as a comment in my blog said, did lead to coffee and chocolate being discovered/invented. But that does not amuse me. What amuses me is the quest. What amuses me is the fact that we want to explore these aspects of life. We’re not like cattle who’re perfectly happy eating grass and giving milk, no. We’re… different.

Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know. I don’t know because I refuse to have an opinion.

This is another problem most people have. Sometimes when I discuss my observation, someone butts in and says “I disagree”. I mean, you disagree with what I see?

So, I don’t think one can disagree with whatever I’ve said till now, because they’re merely my observations.

Okay, now I’m talking shit. I shall stop rambling here.

Amen.

All the Rights!

Well, for one, I am irritated.

I’ve never been so bugged with my life.

I don’t love my job. I don’t even like it anymore.

The people at work don’t seem to like me much either. Although, I’m not all that surprised with that.

I have no aim in life. Unless looking forward to the weekend counts.

I don’t do anything during weekends. Unless sleeping is a task.

I smoke a wee bit too much. I have cut down to two packs a day (which is a good thing).

I get tipsy after four rounds of beer. Pathetic.

I am still a graduate.

I don’t have a love life. Heck, I don’t even have a life.

I hate myself.

Amen.

Happy fucking Diwali.

Diwali’s overrated.

Bunch of goons burning stuff worth thousands of rupees and feeling good about it.

It’s more a festival of noise, smoke and discount sales than that of lights.

For me, it’s two days of no sleep. Fuckin’ 100-walas and 1000-walas still ringing in my good ear, how do you expect me to sleep?

Fuck this shit, I can’t write anymore. I’m just too pissed.

Amen.