First, they proposed to bring a change in FDI rules for retail. The opposition protested. Hah, the goverment thought, they always do, these opportunistic assholes.

Then, Mamata protested.

The government shat in its empowered group of ministerial chaddis.

The FDI was rolled back (officially put ‘on hold’) no sooner than you could say Walmart.

The Socialists won. All hail those sickle wielding communists.

I think this was when Kapil Sibal decided he has to take the communist regime route. He must have sensed an opportunity here, to befriend more communists, you know, the Chinese.

Uhm... SCREEN THEM! (image via wikipedia.org)

He decided to ‘ask’ social networking sites, most notable Google, Facebook and Twitter, to remove objectionable material on their sites. He also added that there ought to be a screening mechanism for content on these sites which may play a role in allowing libellous, defamatory and inflammatory content that may cause polarization of the society.

Well, no offense, but you’re talking out of your ass, Mr. Sibal.

All this shit is coming from an outdated mode of thought. Imagine a newspaper carrying a headline “KAPIL SIBAL SAYS HE’S A WOMAN TRAPPED IN A MAN’S BODY”.

The first instinct of the government and other goonda elements of society will be to beat the living shit out of a) the reporter, b) the editor of the newspaper, c) the newspaper office and d) miscellaneous bystanders.

Now, when someone called, say, @thehotsexykapilsiballover tweets something like that, these aforementioned elements don’t know what to break. Or even who to break. The reporter is anonymous, there is no editor (apparently) and the newspaper does not have an office in India. Exporting goondaism is a little expensive, you see.

So, all this pent up energy is being wasted, in the eyes of the government. Or worse, redirected. Sharad Pawar gets slapped, shoes are being thrown at almost every minister and people are following the other senile leader who talks about beating up alcoholics.

Screening content is a euphemism for censorship and no matter how hard you try to deny it, it will remain to be so. The costs involved in the kind of screening that Sibal wants will not only put websites out of business but will deter future investments in this industry.

My second contention with this rule is regarding definition. How are you defining ‘social media’? Are you limiting yourself to the big three (Facebook, Twitter, and Google) or are there other sites that you have in mind? What is a construct of a social networking site in your view? If you really think about it, blogs are a form of social media. So are emails. Where are you going to draw the line between public slander and some bitching via email?

If such a definition is achieved, who is liable? Is it the one who posts (or tweets) an offensive post (or tweet)? Would it be someone who ‘likes’ a post? Would it be someone who shares (or retweets) the post?

The internet is full of idiots, it’s true. People abuse it by going after certain individuals, it’s true. In a country like ours, religious sentiments and moral patrols are always on a short fuse. But don’t blame the internet for it! Don’t blame social media for it!

Educate people. Goad them, coax them to not spread religious hatred or promote intolerance. If they still don’t listen to you, jail them, but only when there is a real risk, not because someone questioned the origins of Sonia Gandhi or talks about Rahul’s alleged drug problem.

If Sonia or Rahul have a problem with what is said, let them sue the authors. In today’s world, there is no such thing called anonymity. Although I use a pseudonym, I know for a fact that I have a big enough cyber fingerprints to identify me.

But, we seem to not be able to do even that well.

There is a true story of how a man got imprisoned for an offensive post he never posted. The ISP in question (it was Airtel), gave the cops the wrong details which led to an innocent man being jailed.

The reason why I bring this up is this – we need to improve our detection techniques. If the government is really serious about nipping spurious content on the web, they have to make sure they put in place methods and technology that are able to locate and identify these slanderers. Until you actually do that, we will remain anonymous.

Most social networking sites have a pretty good system of dealing with offensive content. The government should work with these people (they’re pretty smart people, you know) and help improve its cyber space capabilities. This may help us from the cyber sodomy that our Chinese counterparts thrust upon the government websites. Just, maybe.

Improve systems, Mr. Sibal. The internet ain’t broke. So, don’t try to fix it.

Amen.

He has started something we all wished we did at some point of our lives.

For me, it was when I was studying journalism at Mysore. I became disillusioned with the profession right from my first year in college. We did have a college newsletter, which would discuss happenings in the college. As journo students, we were in charge of publishing it. We were reporters, proof readers, copy editors, and publishers. But we weren’t really in charge. We could not write or publish anything that would criticise any of our teaching staff; we were not allowed to write about (the lack of) certain facilities in our college; nothing funny or sarcastic about our principal could be published; we were not even allowed to interact with the ‘rebellious’ Students’ Union of our college. Why? The college newsletter was funded by the college. I quickly understood that what we studied in the first year- the guts and glory of many newspapers during the Independence struggle – was just an unattainable dream. I was faced with the fact that no matter where I went, I wouldn’t be truly free and fearless when it came to my reporting or my commentary.

A few of us wanted to have our own newsletter – somewhat like an underground newspaper. This paper would be free from the clutches of our college administration because we would fund the publishing. This was at least a couple of years before blogging as a tool to vent really caught on. So, we would use the same tools we learned at college, use the same set of principles our freedom fighters used when it came to journalism, and we would be the best(est) journalists. Ever.

It remained just a plan. We got so caught up with studying for our exams, submitting our reports and assignments on time, and generally being college kids that we basically gave up. I say “we” to mean a couple of close friends and me. I am sure I have a few classmates who are still fighting their way through the media system (and I wish them all the best).

And now, some of us are married, a lot of us have good, secure, decently paying jobs. We probably think about what will happen to ‘the good life’ if we revolt or rebel against the system.

We’ve all thought of this, I’m sure. I am also sure that we have also thought about taking the system head-on and fight for our right to a corruption-free society for this great nation of ours.

Anna Hazare

It took me one Anna Hazare to remind me of who I was about ten years ago. It took me a 74-year old self styled Gandhian to remind me of what I could have been now, had I stuck to my ways ten years ago.

And I feel a little guilty.

Guilty because no matter what the outcome would have been, I would have had no regrets now having fought for a just cause.

Guilty because I have let the system corrupt me so much that I have stopped questioning the rationale behind paying someone extra to do their jobs.

Guilty because maybe now, it’s too late for me to start all this again.

And this is why I am pissed with Anna Hazare.

–

Mum Mohan Singh

In 2004, when Manmohan Singh became our Prime Minister, I was confused. Confused, because the entire nation applauded it. Some non-Hindu friends of mine went on to say that good things are going to happen since the ‘extremist’ BJP was out of power. I would go on to attribute that to

a) Their obvious non-Hindu-ness,

b) the Gujarat riots which was and still is a national shame and

c) their apparent love for anything that resembles secularism.

MMS seemed like a good bet for all involved also because of his ‘economist’ credentials. A lot of references to the ‘dream budget’ he supposedly created were made to justify his, well, credentials. He was, by all counts, an able leader. All fears of a certain Mrs. Gandhi wielding more power than him were scoffed at by analysts and Congress fiends alike, because… well, he’s honest and has integrity and all those nice things.

Fast forward to 2011, and I am tempted to call each and every one of these people, point at them, and laugh.

One of the most important things that this country is really angry about is the fact that there is no leader. There is not a single person who seems to be in charge. The one person who was really in charge is in the US, far away from it all. The one person who is supposed to be in charge is talking like my grandfather did when he went senile.

And this is where our country stands. Between who is and who should have been.

And this is why our country is angry.

Nobody from the government has ever seen to be in charge of a situation. Instead, we hear cliché after cliché to justify their actions.

One such cliché that is used is “Coalition Dharma”. This is generally used, mostly by the fearless Sikh that our Prime Minister is, to justify looking the other way when scams worth thousands of crores were underway.

The most obvious inference I, along with most people with standard IQ,  could come up with was that there is this set of people which is hell-bent on staying in power that they are willing to look the other way when OUR money is being looted by unscrupulous persons.

The very fact that “Coalition Dharma” is used as an excuse by the PM to wriggle himself out of pointed questions itself indicates how rotten our system has become.

The “Coalition Dharma” excuse is just one example of how leaderless we, as a nation, have become. The people want a strong leader. Of strong values and morals and someone who’d act immediately as soon as anything that conflicts his morals arises.

Sadly, such a leader has not been elected. Yet.

And this is where Anna Hazare comes in. What he has done is he has given us a leader – a person of high integrity, values and morals.

And this is what India has been looking for since Gandhi.

Gandhi was not a perfect man. But he gave people hope. And he gave them a purpose – for themselves and their country. And that, in my book, is the hallmark of a true leader.

The Anna Hazare movement should not be looked at as a movement against monetary corruption. It would be belittling it. It is a movement that has delivered us a competent (maybe even a great) leader. It is a movement that has asked the right questions. It is a movement that has asked you to ask the right questions – from yourselves and from your pseudo-leaders.

And what’s the best part about this movement? It’s not perfect – just like you, just like me, and maybe just like Anna Hazare himself. But nothing ever is.

Perfectly Imperfect

Anna Hazare has woken up Mediocristan. India’s Black Swan moment is here and I can only hope more and more black swans emerge for the sake of this nation.

Amen.

(images from Wikipedia and IBNLive.com)

The entire country will remember (yet again) the valiant superheroes who fought for our freedom. Movies will be shown that renew our spirit of patriotic fervour and we shall sing songs praising our country and its people.

The Prime Minister will hoist our national flag and make a speech, a long one, behind a bullet-proof glass/cabin. Promises will be made, we would be reminded of the sacrifices so many people have made for our country and how awesome our future looks and that there is no country better than ours. New schemes for a new section of people with various degrees of so-called backwardness will be announced. We would also be asked to work towards building a better nation, strive for a successful future and be noble citizens.

The tricolour, our national flag, would be sold at every traffic signal, for a meagre sum ranging from Rs. 5 to about Rs. 100. Some of them would be made from cloth, while most of these flags would be plastic. We will stick a flag in and/or on our vehicles to show how proud we are of this great nation of ours.

Children (well, at least some of them) will go to school, grudgingly, although nothing will be taught.

Facebook will have “How Indian Are You?” apps which will reinforce your Indianness, but steal your information. Twitter will be full of hash-tags with the string “India” somewhere in between. Quotes will retweeted, status messages will be liked and shared. We will be tagged by friends on pictures of the tricolour on which you will be obliged to say Vande Mataram or Jai Hind or whatever patriotic phrase that comes up.

Some of us will also find this to be an opportune moment to register their protest against certain policies or decisions of the government. These people will try to politically and emotionally blackmail us by saying if we’re not with them, we’re unpatriotic.

We would also be told that for 64 years, our country has been under the rule of uncouth, corrupt politicians for far too long and it’s time that we, the people, got involved. We would get confused because we thought all this while it was we that elected our government, but we still end up spending time glossing over, arguing about the movements that apparently have been kick-started “for the people and by the people”.

The next day?

Well, the next day, we go to work.

The next day, we forget about how to build our country and worry about our next client presentation.

We ignore the traffic cop harassing a motorist on our way to work and come up with new ideas to “save tax”.

We honk incessantly at the idiot who stopped his car at a red light, but savour the small victory over him when we overtake him from the left.

We “like” Anna Hazare’s fast on Facebook, but we need that extra slice of cheese in our burgers.

We discriminate against one another on the basis or religion, caste and language, but condemn attacks on Indians by those racist white people.

We will be peaceful with our neighbours, but we will beat up our own for speaking their minds.

We will continue to deny our fellow countrymen basic civil and human rights, and yet continue to ask for more rights in the WTO and the UN.

We discuss, at length, about the Khans of Bollywood, but we are not bothered about what goes on in Manipur.

We kill unborn girls and yet, we worship Goddess Durga and Maa Kaali. We blame the goverment for everything, yet, we don’t vote.

If this was the freedom, the independence, that our “great leaders” fought for, one has to wonder – was it worth this?

Amen.

For starters, I will never be riding a two-wheeler. Ever. The posture is just not right, the doc says. Too much pressure on the spine, he adds. Well, I’m just glad a spine exists there!

This means that I have a 2006 Royal Enfield Thunderbird for sale.

Second, I changed jobs. My previous employer, Fractal Analytics, was nice enough to let me do that. I joined Accenture last week and while it is a very interesting role with a decent hike in pay, I will miss the nice things that working for a small firm had.

Another thing that has changed is my approach to this blog. I know, I have made a lot of claims about blogging regularly and nothing has worked out the way I wanted, but three thousand hits in about seven years is a pathetic figure and a waste of space on the internet. I intend to write right that.

Regular posts, more ‘current’ stuff, more ‘humour’ and definitely more fart jokes. Ideas, suggestions, alcohol, money, welcome.

Amen.

Saffron, bloody saffron!

Stepping up its pressure on Hindutva forces, the government today announced that the use of RSS feeds in India would be banned. While this decision seems to be aimed at stalling the onslaught of the self proclaimed civil society on the issue of the Lokpal Bill, there have also been a number of conspiracy theories that have led to this decision.

“It is a Hindutva conspiracy to dominate cyberspace and we shall not allow it”, said Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwari. “Look at the colour of the icon! If that doesn’t tell you who is really behind all this, nothing else will.”

The RSS, however, has remained silent on this issue. On the condition of anonymity, a pracharak said, “We don’t even know there’s something called RSS feed.” This reporter confirmed this statement by visiting the website, which does not have an RSS feed.

Congress spokesperson Jayanthi Natarajan attacked the RSS for such a claim. “Of course they don’t have it! They are literally feeding off other websites!”

Adding fuel to fire, Samajwadi Party leader Mulayam Singh Yadav said, “Look who has created it in the first place. A man named Ramanathan Guha. A Hindu. This is so clear.”

This decision has sent the entire cyberspace into tizzy and has polarised netizens.

Twitter also trended this topic heavily with the proponents of the ban claiming the entire world was duped into a Hindu conspiracy. While popular tweeters like Shashi Tharoor wants an XML based feed originating from Kochi, the main trend-setters wanted a more equitable name.

One Twiterrati even went on the draw comparisons between the RSS and Microsoft. He alleged, “RSS Feeds = Microsoft Works.”

While this decision will not affect websites outside India, it will be interesting to see how websites would be tracked for the now objectionable RSS content in India.

No BRA Feed?

A few alternative names have also come up in the wake of this decision. InterNet Content (INC), Dynamically Monitored Kontent (DMK) and All India Dynamically Monitored Kontent (AIADMK) were discussed. A decision would be made soon, depending on who the government wants to go with in the next elections.
Mayawati’s demand of naming the feeds after Dalit superhero Bhimrao Ramji Ambedkar (BRA) was immediately rejected, due to, well, you know…

Stay tuned for more.

Wifey: Hardcore? What do you mean?

Me: Think about it… How would one write 30 in Roman numerals?

Wifey (a good couple of seconds later): Oh! Oooooh!

PDD5RJHQYMTH

The room was dark, but that was not the worst news. It was a dead end. He knew he couldn’t go back.

Dr. Jay Agarkar knew one more thing. He was going to die.

–

He spent the most of the night tossing, turning… and waiting. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was blood.

And Aisha.

He was told to wait for a sign. He was told it would be taken care of.

He was also told that Aisha would live a long and healthy life.
Just as he was giving up hope, a piece of paper, crumpled into a ball entered his cell. He could not see who was at the other end of the throw.

The sign! Pretty risky, he thought.

He smoothened out the paper ball and read an unfamiliar handwriting.

“Aisha now rests in peace.”

He looked at the rising sun, turned around and kneeled down.

Ayaz Mohammad Khan prayed for the first time in twenty years.

Greetings!

I do not know if you will ever read this (since my surname isn’t Gandhi), but I hope your spoons (chamchas, sir, not the ones you’re thinking) would show this.

CRAZY EYES! CRAZY EYES! CRAZY EYES!

I first heard of you during one of the many elections held in the last decade where you proposed something that was construed to be ‘soft’ Hindutva. This was at a time when Hindutva for the Congress was a swear word meant to defame and deflate a certain ‘merchant of death’.

I laughed at this proposal with a sort of dismissal that toddlers or senile elders deserve.

Today, I am in awe. Complete. Total. Unabashed. Awe. Of not you. But of your party members who have not just taken you seriously on the Hindutva tryout, but also of so many other things that you followed it up with.

For starters, you are were the Chief Minister of one of the largest states of our country – Madhya Pradesh. Now, I have reason to believe that it is certainly not the most prosperous state. Wait a minute. Isn’t Bhopal in Madhya Pradesh? We’ll get to that later. But let me tell you why I am writing this.

Your comments on how the slain ATS chief Hemant Karkare called you to inform you about the ‘plot by Hindu forces to kill him’ seemed to get everyone riled up. My reaction to it was just complete confusion. Why would, a Mumbaikar ask for help from an MP politician who has not had any national exposure barring his Bihar ‘sojourn’?

Seriously, why? Were you two good friends? Were you in any position to stop his murder by supposed Hindu elements (by, I don’t know, calling it off)?

This is not the first or the only time you have played to the minorities’ gallery.

You even had something to say when Osama bin Laden was killed! You complained about him being buried at sea. Votebank politics much?

You went on the offensive against Anna Hazare’s movement, which I think was the right thing to do, but the way you tried to prove the supposed guilt of the Bhushans was nothing short of childish. How convenient, isn’t it, that a CD, an audio CD nevertheless, surfaces when the Congress is on the back-foot and the Bhushans enter the Lokpal committee?

Blackmail went bad?

Now, you have entered Uttar Pradesh with ‘heir apparent’, Rahul Gandhi and free the poor farmers of Bhatta Parsaul from the evil land-grabbing clutches of Mayawati’s BSP.

Doohoohood! Watcha rollin'?

I also hear that you’re Rahul Gandhi’s chief advisor in these matters. Well, now I have an idea as to where all the drugs seized by the Narcotics Dept. go.

I think it goes without saying that you’re very confident and happy about the work you’re doing in your own state.

If that is case, then your measures of success are probably below sea level.

My first and obvious point would be about the capital city of your state – Bhopal. What has your government done for the millions who are still suffering the effects of the deadly leak that occured in 1984. Why are you not doing enough to get more money from the perpetrators of this crime? I don’t think we want that Anderson guy to be jailed. He’s as old as an Indian politician, too fragile. How long are you going to pretend that everything is A-okay in YOUR state? Would you, hypothetically, tolerate Narendra Modi to storm into Bhopal demand rights of those affected by the tragedy just like you did in UP?

Oh, let me guess. That would be a communal act by a polarising power such as the BJP and RSS, right?

MP is a mess, Mr. Singh. Right that first. Then right everyone else’s wrongs.

Yours Truly,

A disgusted non-MP, non-UP, non-State, non-communal, non-secular and not-so-proud-of-my-politicians Indian.

“What is with women and time?”, he muttered under his breath.

Twenty minutes.

—

January was a pleasant month, not too hot, not too cold. But it’s Mumbai, you sweat here no matter what month it is.

The previous year had been a torrid one for him. Everything seemed like a struggle. Finishing his MBA, getting a job, deciding to take the job, in spite of a revolt from every fibre in his body, and keeping that job.

She broke up with him on a July day, right before he was about to have his favourite drink – the Aztec at Cafe Coffee Day. It was one of those knockout punches that he hadn’t expected, but was shockingly not surprised.

He had been a bad boyfriend. An even worse fiance. Growing up was on the plan, but noone ever sticks to their plan.

They reunited at the same Cafe Coffee Day, but this time, he chose her favourite – the Chocolate Cappuccino. It was time for a fresh perspective. Hers.

—

A small commotion ensued at the entrance. She was here.

“Where were you? Is everything okay?”

“Ya. All this takes time, you know.”

Yep, he thought. Definitely takes time.

The next few minutes were a blur, and by the time they realised what was happening, she was placed on her father’s lap.

The tempo of the music increased. The Sanskrit became more mumbled. The priest waved his hand like a conductor waves his baton. And then.

One knot.

The other two, by his cousin.

He leaned over to her and said “Ho gaya!” (It’s done)

They were married.

Amen.

Intrigued, I proceeded to download the song. And by the time the download completed, VK Malhotra was not alone. Apparently, a lot of people thought the song sucked and that AR Rahman was becoming too cocky for his own good and Rs. 5 Crore for a shitty song was too much money spent on a non-essential item. Obviously, toilet papers weren’t the only things that were bought for a bomb.

The first grouse is that the song sucked. Some of the common grise (plural of ‘grouse’; if Sarah Palin can do it, so can I). According to some comments I read on YouTube, it was way too slow. Someone even goes on to suggest that this song is ‘nothing’ compared to Waka Waka. Some more inane comments like this were propped up through ‘likes’ on YouTube (seriously, with the ‘likes’, et tu YouTube?).

I don’t know how to say this, but, I think the song is awesome. Yes, it starts off funny, but that’s Rahman’s magic. How he managed to turn that feeble start to a head-banging, foot-thumping finish still amazes me. And about it being slow, I’ve got two words for you – Vande Mataram. I find it hard to believe that Rahman was hired to do the song just because he won an Oscar. It’s more than just that. This guy reinvented our National Song. And although you don’t see people dancing to it at discotheques, I’m sure you’d have ‘liked’ it.

Then there’s this whole thing about the song being in Hindi. I guess this was meant to happen. There’s Jackass A, who whines about the song being in Hindi and, in turn, shoving ‘the imperialistic’ Hindi dick down our throats. This prompts Jackass B to suggest that the former Jackass better ‘respect’ the national language of his country and ‘take it sportingly’. Jackass A retorts stating that Hindi is not THE national language but is one of the official languages along with English and (gasp!) Tamil. Jackass B then calls Jackass A a Madrasi and tells him to go chomp on his oversized idlis and well, chomp off. This back-and-forth exchange continues with more racist taunts which is fuelled by Jackass C’s intervention with a link proving Jackass A was right in the first place. In the end, Jackass B calls everyone Maakhan-chor (my new euphemism for the word “Madarchod”) and moves on to the next forum to troll upon. In the midst of all this, the song is forgotten and I’m left to wonder if we should ban songs with any lyrics in this country.

Yes, I am not a fan of the lyrics. It’s not because it’s in Hindi. It’s because it can’t be understood by most of the participants (not that they care). This is where I think the song could have been like Waka Waka. Throw in a few Indian words, but have it mostly in English. Global appeal still counts in these things.

Beats to the Bleat.

Having said that, I am glad the song sounds nothing like Waka Waka. If the organisers wanted something like Waka Waka, all they needed was Shivamani and a goat.

Mission.

Accomplished.

Ooh, a Shakira joke now. Shakira doesn’t eat mutton. Apparently she doesn’t like cannibalism.

Moving on…

Did they really pay him 5 Crore INR for this song? Or should I wait for the CVC report on that one too? It seems to me that everyone got their ‘fair share’ of the Common Wealth that was floating around. Was Mr. Malhotra, in fact, jealous? Perfectly plausible, given the large scale corruption that has gone into the organisation of the Games, that someone somewhere is feeling left out.

Got to give props to the Organising Committee though. They’ve diverted our attention long enough for them to divert more money into their accounts.

Hey-oh, let’s go!

Amen.