The Mahindra Renault Logan is, quite literally, butt ugly.

Amen.

Moved!

The blog hasn’t moved. I have. To Mumbai.

Special thanks to:

1. Everyone at work: For throwing me an awesome ‘get the fuck outta here’ party.
2. Shireen and Rabin: For coming down from Chennai to see me off.
3. The Crapper: For all the beer and conversation I barely remember (blame it on the beer!).
4. The rest: For calling/messaging their goodbyes.
5. Uncle Mike: For being an amazing boss/mentor/friend throughout my stay at Infy BPO – Deutsche Bank.

Amen.

Conversations…

Parul: hehe.. and the movie is short and has an impact

me: Hrm. That’s what I say about porn.

Parul: oh god!!

Amen!

Of work and optimised shit.

Oh well… A fart post now.

This happened to me a few months ago.

We were called for a meeting at work, or a huddle as it is called, one day. As was the tradition then, I was in-charge of keeping the minutes of the meeting, no wait, huddle.

Anyways, I was furiously doodling on a piece of paper as my manager was discussing (well, calling it a discussion would be pushing it since he was the only one talking) things I don’t remember now.

I had had a potato-cheese sandwich and (very) cold buttermilk for brunchinner (breakfast/lunch/dinner for the uninitiated). Because I used to have just one meal a day, there was, well, this problem of gas. And the fact that I had potatoes did not help matters either.

Well, I’m sure you’d have guessed by now what happened during the meeting.

I let one rip.

The manager stopped talking, everyone there shifted in their seats uncomfortably. Oh well.. it did not end there.

I now realised I had to say something. An apology perhaps? Ooh, I could also add that I have a chronic problem, you know just an almost preemptive apology for all future farts in the office?

But no, I had to say something stupid. As usual.

I looked around and spoke. Very slowly.

“So, do you want me to add this onto the minutes of the meeting?”

Oh well…

Amen.

A shitty conversation

Edit: Before you read this, read… this

Nikhil: Now I really know you are jealous. HA HA HA!
16:06 ahem. ok.
so whadelseizup?
me: Nothing at all men. Same shit, even on weekends sometimes. :
16:07 Nikhil: gosh. same shit can happen only if you eat your own shit.
hmmmmmmmmmmm…..
me: Erm.
Not really.
16:08 Same shit happens only if you eat the same thing everyday.
Nikhil: well, that’d be SIMILAR shit then, not SAME
me: Because if you eat something you shit, then it becomes less… shitty.. You know, it changes composition while getting digested.
Probably.
16:09 Nikhil: probably not… shit is shit that cannot/has not been digested.
and for some shitty reason your body decides to assimilate some of it, the rest of it is going to come out exactly the same
me: Not the same…
Similar, perhaps.
Nikhil: maybe some additions, but the same shit’s going to be in there anyway.
me:
16:10 We should be able to prove it.
Here’s a thought.
If you ate my shit and took a dump, would it be me shitting through you?
Nikhil: proceed.
16:11 no, it would be Me shitting your shit.
me: Hrm.
Nikhil: and I’m gonna let that remain just a thought.
me: You’ll be like my.. surrogate shitter.
Nikhil: no macha… you got the whole concept of surrogacy(?) wrong.
16:12 me: Okay…
Nikhil: if i ate your shit…. that means You have already taken a dump.
me: Ah, yes….
Nikhil: that means you are already capable of dumping
me: So, if you stole my lunch and ate it.
And THEN took a dump.
Nikhil: EGJJACTLY!
me: You’ll be a surrogate then?
Nikhil: you got the point now.
me: Ohkkeeey…
16:13 Nikhil: That, I am willing to do. steal your lunch, that is.
me: Okay, just look at food this way then….
It is unprocessed shit.
Nikhil: looked at it that way for a loooong time.
16:14 me: Bon Apetit?
Nikhil: so your lame attempt at crapping me out hasn’t worked
me: Hrm.
Nikhil: so, shit is processed food?
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
nize!
what about Bon Apetit NOW??
me: Heh.
16:15 Shit cannot be processed food.
Nikhil: you go to a grocery store and you see a can of “processed food” you know what you are buying
me: Erm, no wait.
Nikhil: in the same light, food cannot be unprocessed shit.

me: Yeah, you’re right.
Nikhil: All hail me.
\m/\m/\m/
me: Hale you.
Kannada version.
16:16 Nikhil: egjactly.
me:
I had paneer mattar today.
Expecting polka dotted shit tomorrow.

—

Need I say more?

The Royal Ramble

It’s been exactly two years since I joined Progeon (or Infosys BPO as it is called now).
No yippees and no hoorahs. It’s just another day in the office and yet, I try hard to remember how it was to enter the building for the first time two years ago. And how things have changed since then.

“Eager young minds”.

The mind is young, still, yes. But, eager? That’s a tricky one.

—

I have been a lazy fellow, haven’t I? I haven’t blogged in ages and frankly, I haven’t done much in ages.

I have been working though. The nonsensical meandering has been replaced with something more nonsensical I figure (a little too late for that now!). Work. That’s all I have been up to.

I tell my parents and close friends that I’m working hard for a promotion. My colleagues, well, they all probably think I’m just kissing ass for a promotion. I don’t know what I want, but I know a promotion isn’t something that would motivate me to such madness.

A loner. That’s what I have become. I live alone, nay, I just, am, alone. And for me to realize this, all it took was an accident.

A cyclist turning right without any hand signal had a fresh lease of life thanks to the disc brakes on the ‘bird. Of course, the bike skid and fell on the side of the road and I ended up with scratches all over my body.

Now, when you’re alone, nobody is a phone call away. And that was how it was that day. After the doctor visits and the bandages wrapped on me, guess how many people were there to see if I was okay? None.

My Orkut friend list is about 125 names long. I have 31 fans. I’m not implying anything here, these are just stats.

—

Depression. So, this is how it feels…

—

I miss my mother at times like these. I also realize how insanely selfish I am to miss her only when I’m depressed. Did I miss her when I did my first bike trip? Did I miss her when I got my raise? Did I miss her when I bought my first TV?

Oh well, nobody’s perfect.

—

I think I’ve become too accustomed to my way of life. I’ve become too used to being alone. And I know I’m going to end up alone with a bunch of pets that’d keep dying on me and I know I’d be watching reruns of some sitcom or the other till the day I die.

I also seem to have failed to differentiate between friends and acquaintances. And when I did, my friends disappeared.

—

I walk alone, I walk alone.

Amen.

A question…

Do cannibals eat diabetics for dessert?

—

Oh well, more to come soon. Sorry I’ve been away.

NOT!

Amen.

While I was /away.

Shitloads of things happened.

One, that Woolmer dude was killed.

Two, the Pakistanis crashed out of the World Cup.

Three, the Indians crashed out of the World Cup.

Four, oops I farted again.

Forget one and two, not because I don’t want to talk about the ‘gruesome effect of match-fixing and high expectations’. It’s only because I don’t care.

Now, number three. The Indians – lost to Bangladesh, lost to Sri Lanka, kicked the Bermudians’ asses and ended up crashing out of the world cup.

So, long story short, the Indian team is fucked.

There was this interview on TV last night that caught my attention. Sharad Pawar, the BCCI President, saying there was a need for two teams (I think they’re going to be called “Seniors” and “Blues”) so as to have a ‘healthy reserve’ of backup players, in case the need arises.

That, well, got me thinking.

Here’s my suggestion that would make the BCCI richer and India one kick-ass cricketing nation.

Have one team for every opposition.

Have a team that would play -only- against Australia, one team to play -only- the Lankans and so on and so forth. India A, India B and so on and so forth… If the game gets really popular and more and more teams start playing the game, we can have the MS Excel style India AA, India AB… You get the drift, don’t you?

To ‘tackle’ the minnow teams like Ireland, Scotland and other lands, no, Netherlands, invite galli cricketers and give them some exposure.

I will tell you why this is an amazing idea.

Our country’s population – over a billion. No statistics involved, but I’m guessing more than half of them are cricket crazy. Almost every other guy wants to be a cricketer. By having these opponent specific teams, you’re giving everybody an opportunity to play the game for the country.

Imagine the unemployment problems addressed through this simple solution. It’s not just the fifteen people in the squad that are employed… What about the coach, the physio, the media manager, the butt kisser, the personal cooks, the people who carry the players’ luggage, the bat makers… the list is endless… what about them? They get employment opportunities too, don’t they?

India’s success rate will be high. Even if one Indian team loses to Australia, the other two teams touring Canada and Bermuda will definitely kick ass and get the success rate back to where it should be. This is foolproof, well, not completely. You cannot forget match-fixing there, can you?

Money. The BCCI will get bucketfuls of money. Imagine the amount of money it is making with this current team. And now, imagine the same amount multiplied by the number of ‘India’ teams it has. We can bloody own the ICC with it and still have some change to buy Microsoft.

Advertisers will not lose money because some Indian team will be playing somewhere all the time. They’ll probably fight over ad rights for a number of matches and not just one or two.

The cricket fan will never get bored. Every channel will have some cricket match and he’ll be assured that one side is always an Indian side.

Hm, let’s see, India vs. South Africa… India lost another wicket. Damn!

*change channel*

Ooh, Amul Pakodikar just hit a century against the Fiji team! Whoa!!! I’m watching this match!

Fun fun fun.

This has to be the singlemost awe inspiring idea that the BCCI can actually implement. Yeah, yeah, laugh at me now, but you know you’re going to root for the India SE team when they play the Iceland team.

You watch!

Amen.

This blog is… not dead.

But will be dormant.

For a while.

Need time.

Need thoughts.

Need.. freshness.

Till then,

Amen.

IRC is awesome…

Back on IRC. It is fun. Here’s why…

¦ 19:17.37 +mallupower : lol kundi isnt registered
¦ 19:17.39 * mallupower is now known as kundi
¦ 19:17.42 * kundi is now known as mallukundi
¦ 19:17.43 +mallukundi : LOL
¦ 19:17.46 +Wabbster : ROFL!
¦ 19:17.48 +mallukundi : oh crap
¦ 19:17.48 +mallukundi : lol
¦ 19:17.51 +mallukundi : got banned from india
¦ 19:17.55 +Wabbster : Hahaha
¦ 19:18.00 +mallukundi : hahaha
¦ 19:18.08 * mallukundi is now known as kundi
¦ 19:18.20 +EmAcS : mallukundi: hmm
¦ 19:18.24 +kundi : haha
¦ 19:18.25 +kundi : want some?
¦ 19:18.32 +EmAcS : what
¦ 19:18.34 +Wabbster : Come get some. :p
¦ 19:18.35 +kundi : its got some putte on it
¦ 19:18.36 +kundi :
¦ 19:18.37 +kundi : lol
¦ 19:19.07 +Wabbster : “Dude, this is nuts..” “No, this is buns”!
¦ 19:19.10 +kundi : and therefore i’ve done the iompossible
¦ 19:19.12 +kundi : The nickname kundi has been temporarily registered to you….
¦ 19:19.16 +kundi : yeeeeeeeeee hawww
¦ 19:19.16 +Wabbster : ROFL.
¦ 19:19.25 +Wabbster : Type /me farts.
¦ 19:19.28 +Wabbster : Please?!
¦ 19:19.29 +kundi : lol 2nd ban placed
¦ 19:19.34 +kundi : 2 more channels left
¦ 19:19.38 * +kundi farts
¦ 19:19.39 +kundi : lol
¦ 19:19.40 +Wabbster : ROFL!
¦ 19:19.41 +Wabbster : ROFL!
¦ 19:19.43 Tushar : lol’
¦ 19:19.56 +kundi : Tushar: want some kundi for valentine’s?
¦ 19:19.56 +kundi :
¦ 19:20.09 +kundi : god i feel like trolling
¦ 19:20.10 Tushar :
¦ 19:20.18 +EmAcS : kundi: bad nick
¦ 19:20.22 +kundi : lol
¦ 19:20.26 +kundi : EmAcS: loosen up
¦ 19:20.34 +Wabbster : Loosen up and let go!
¦ 19:20.38 +kundi : now now tell me you dont want a kundi, dont like one?
¦ 19:20.39 +kundi : ¦ 19:20.45 +EmAcS : kundi: enuf!
¦ 19:20.47 +kundi : yesh let go
¦ 19:20.53 +Wabbster : Don’t think like a kundi.
¦ 19:20.58 +kundi : haha¦
19:21.05 +kundi : now that i have this nick i have the right to
¦ 19:21.16 +kundi : and the usual line ” dont think outta your arse” is going to be so invalid
¦ 19:21.41 +Wabbster : And we don’t have to type the whole thing. Ku+(tab)
¦ 19:21.53 +kundi : haha
¦ 19:21.58 +kundi : more ideas!
¦ 19:22.06 +kundi : put a kundi in a room and look at the ideas flowing
¦ 19:22.09 * +kundi floats~
¦ 19:22.13 +Wabbster : Hahaha
¦ 19:22.14 +Wabbster : FOTCL
¦ 19:22.59 +Wabbster : Make indicators and call them kundicators
¦ 19:23.04 +kundi : lol
¦ 19:23.19 +kundi : now that its registered i can settle for monochrome
¦ 19:23.21 * kundi is now known as monochrome
¦ 19:23.27 +Wabbster : Phew. Wb.
¦ 19:23.35 +Wabbster : monochrome, guess who was here!
¦ 19:23.40 +Wabbster : Kundi!:D
¦ 19:23.51 +monochrome : argh man sinus!
¦ 19:23.53 +monochrome : still pains
¦<¦ Parts #Bangalore : abinitio (elation@72.20.44.77) ()
¦>¦ Joins #bangalore : ce_cuTe_^ (~hancheoet@125.163.84.132)
¦<¦ Parts #bangalore : monochrome (~calm@83.110.125.209) ()
¦>¦ Joins #bangalore : monochrome (~calm@83.110.125.209)
¦ 19:24.55 * Quits: ce_cuTe_^ (~hancheoet@125.163.84.132) (Quit: )
¦>¦ Joins #bangalore : pooo (~cherrry@125.22.62.45)
¦ 19:25.37 +Wabbster : Ah, yeah.
¦ 19:25.41 +Wabbster : pooo?
¦ 19:25.50 +Wabbster : First kundi, now pooo?
¦ 19:25.56 monochrome : haha
¦ 19:26.00 monochrome : lool
¦ 19:26.11 monochrome : talk of coincedence
¦ 19:26.15 +Wabbster : I know!
¦ 19:26.15 monochrome : this is an irc moment of glory
¦ 19:26.24 +Wabbster : I’m posting this on my blog!

And so, here it is.

IRC… is awesome!

Amen